"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins torain." ~Mark Twain
"A classic is something everybody wants to have read, but no one wants to read." ~Mark Twain
"A lie can travel around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes." ~Mark Twain
"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval." ~Mark Twain
"A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation." ~Mark Twain
"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way." ~Mark Twain
"A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read." ~Mark Twain
"Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often." ~Mark Twain
"Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand." ~Mark Twain
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter." ~Mark Twain
"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure." ~Mark Twain
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything in which it is poured." ~Mark Twain
"Be good and you will be lonely." ~Mark Twain
"Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." ~Mark Twain
“Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.” ~Mark Twain
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education." ~Mark Twain.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." ~Mark Twain
"Consider well the proportion of things. It is better to be a young June bug, than an old bird of paradise." ~Mark Twain on Age
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear." ~Mark Twain
"Death is the starlit strip between the companionship of yesterday and the reunion of tomorrow." – Mark Twain
“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.” ~ Mark Twain
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The World owes you nothing. It was here first." ~Mark Twain
"Drag your thoughts away from your troubles: by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it." ~Mark Twain
"Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned." ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The World owes you nothing. It was here first." ~Mark Twain
"Drag your thoughts away from your troubles: by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it." ~Mark Twain
"Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned." ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Every civilization carries the seeds of its own destruction, and the same cycle shows in them all. The Republic is born, flourishes, decays into plutocracy, and is captured by the shoemaker whom the mercenaries and millionaires make into a king. The people invent their oppressors, and the oppressors serve the function for which they are invented." ~Mark Twain
"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it." ~Mark Twain
"Everyone has a dark side which he never shows to anybody." ~Mark Twain
"Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody." ~Mark Twain
"Faith is believing what you know ain't so." ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the hell that has crushed it." ~Mark Twain
"Genius has no youth, but starts with the ripeness of age and old experience." ~Mark Twain
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." ~Mark Twain
"Everyone has a dark side which he never shows to anybody." ~Mark Twain
"Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody." ~Mark Twain
"Faith is believing what you know ain't so." ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the hell that has crushed it." ~Mark Twain
"Genius has no youth, but starts with the ripeness of age and old experience." ~Mark Twain
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." ~Mark Twain
“Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life.” ~Mark Twain
“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.” ~Mark Twain
"God has put something noble and good into every heart His hand created." ~Mark Twain
"Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person." ~Mark Twain
"If a man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat." ~Mark Twain
"If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.” ~Mark Twain
"It is better to deserve an honor and not receive it, than to receive one and not deserve it!" ~Mark Twain
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." ~Mark Twain
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." ~Mark Twain
"It's easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled." ~Mark Twain
"No church property is taxed so the infidel and the atheist and the man without religion are taxed to make up the deficit in the public income this caused." ~Mark Twain
"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid." ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Optomist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness." ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"We are strange beings. We seem to go free, but we go in chains - chains of training, custom, convention, association, environment - in a world, circumstance - and against these bonds the strongest of us struggle in vain." ~Mark Twain
"We build a fire in a powder magazine, then double the fire department to put it out. We inflame wild beasts with the smell of blood, and then innocently wonder at the wave of brutal appetite that sweeps the land as a consequence." ~Speech (Mark Twain )R
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." ~Mark Twain
"When I'm playful I use the meridians of longitude and parallels of latitude for a seine, and drag the Atlantic Ocean for whales. I scratch my head with the lightning and purr myself to sleep with the thunder." ~Mark Twain
“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.” ~Mark Twain
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." ~Mark Twain
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" ~Mark Twain
"Why is it that people rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the people involved." ~Mark Twain
"With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity." ~Mark Twain
"Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe." ~Mark Twain
"Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been." ~Mark Twain
"You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus" ~Mark Twain
"You can't reason with the heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns." ~Mark Twain
“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.” ~Mark Twain
"God has put something noble and good into every heart His hand created." ~Mark Twain
"Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person." ~Mark Twain
"Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from bad decisions." ~Mark Twain
"Good friends, good books, and a sleepyhead conscience. This is the ideal life. " ~Mark Twain
"Grief can take care of itself, but to get to the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with." ~Mark Twain
“Habit is a habit, and not to be flung out the window by man, but coaxed downstairs, a step at a time.” ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Half-truths are the most destructive of lies." ~Mark Twain
"Heaven goes by favour; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." ~Mark Twain
"History doesn't repeat itself, but sometimes it rhymes." ~Mark Twain
"History teaches us that whenever a weak and ignorant people possess a thing which a strong and enlightened people want, it must be yielded up peaceably." ~Mark Twain
"How far we travel in life matters far less than those we meet along the way." ~Mark Twain
"Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing." ~Mark Twain
"Humor is tragedy plus time." ~Mark Twain
"Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place." ~Mark Twain
"I can live for two months on a good compliment." ~Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." ~Mark Twain
"I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places." ~Mark Twain
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." ~Mark Twain
"Half-truths are the most destructive of lies." ~Mark Twain
"Heaven goes by favour; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." ~Mark Twain
"History doesn't repeat itself, but sometimes it rhymes." ~Mark Twain
"History teaches us that whenever a weak and ignorant people possess a thing which a strong and enlightened people want, it must be yielded up peaceably." ~Mark Twain
"How far we travel in life matters far less than those we meet along the way." ~Mark Twain
"Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing." ~Mark Twain
"Humor is tragedy plus time." ~Mark Twain
"Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place." ~Mark Twain
"I can live for two months on a good compliment." ~Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." ~Mark Twain
"I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places." ~Mark Twain
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." ~Mark Twain
“I like to think that to one in sympathy with nature, each season, in turn, seems the loveliest.” — Mark Twain
"If a man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat." ~Mark Twain
"If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.” ~Mark Twain
"If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed." ~Mark Twain, The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain
“If you have no will to change it, you have no right to criticize it." ~Mark Twain
"If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way." ~Mark Twain
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between the dog and a man." ~Mark Twain
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." ~Mark Twain
“In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.” ~Mark Twain
"In all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane" ~Mark Twain
"Independence is loyalty to one's best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes." ~Mark Twain
"If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way." ~Mark Twain
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between the dog and a man." ~Mark Twain
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." ~Mark Twain
“In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.” ~Mark Twain
"In all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane" ~Mark Twain
"Independence is loyalty to one's best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes." ~Mark Twain
"It ain't what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." ~Mark Twain
"It is better to deserve an honor and not receive it, than to receive one and not deserve it!" ~Mark Twain
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." ~Mark Twain
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." ~Mark Twain
"It's easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled." ~Mark Twain
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." ~Mark Twain
"It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions." ~Mark Twain
“It is not likely that any complete life has ever been lived which was not a failure in the secret judgment of the person that lived it." ~Mark Twain
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare." ~Mark Twain
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog." ~Mark Twain
"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." ~Mark Twain
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog." ~Mark Twain
"Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great." ~Mark Twain
"Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the and the blind can see." ~Mark Twain
"Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom." ~Mark Twain
"It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions." ~Mark Twain
“It is not likely that any complete life has ever been lived which was not a failure in the secret judgment of the person that lived it." ~Mark Twain
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare." ~Mark Twain
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog." ~Mark Twain
"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." ~Mark Twain
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog." ~Mark Twain
"Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great." ~Mark Twain
"Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the and the blind can see." ~Mark Twain
"Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom." ~Mark Twain
"Life is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that makes you smile." ~Mark Twain (Serendipity Rules)
"Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman rally knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century." ~Mark Twain
"Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul." ~Mark Twain
"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." ~Mark Twain
"Necessity is the mother of taking chances.” ~Mark Twain
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” ~Mark Twain
"Never argue with stupid people, They will drag you down to their Level they will beat you with experience." ~Mark Twain
"Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman rally knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century." ~Mark Twain
"Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul." ~Mark Twain
"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." ~Mark Twain
"Necessity is the mother of taking chances.” ~Mark Twain
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” ~Mark Twain
"Never argue with stupid people, They will drag you down to their Level they will beat you with experience." ~Mark Twain
"No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot" ~Mark Twain
"No church property is taxed so the infidel and the atheist and the man without religion are taxed to make up the deficit in the public income this caused." ~Mark Twain
"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid." ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Optomist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness." ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Politics is the only profession where you can lie, cheat and steal, and still be respected." ~Mark Twain
"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason." ~Mark Twain
"Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed." ~Mark Twain
"Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great." ~Mark Twain
"Sacred cows make the best hamburgers." ~Mark Twain
"Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~Mark Twain
"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination." ~Mark Twain
"Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth." ~Mark Twain
"Teaching is like trying to hold 35 corks underwater at once." ~Mark Twain
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer somebody else up." ~Mark Twain
"The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can DO wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot." ~Mark Twain
"The human race has only one really effective weapon, that's laughter. The moment it arises, all our hardnesses yield, our irritations and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place." ~Mark Twain
"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." ~Mark Twain
"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason." ~Mark Twain
"Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed." ~Mark Twain
"Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great." ~Mark Twain
"Sacred cows make the best hamburgers." ~Mark Twain
"Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~Mark Twain
"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination." ~Mark Twain
"Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth." ~Mark Twain
"Teaching is like trying to hold 35 corks underwater at once." ~Mark Twain
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer somebody else up." ~Mark Twain
"The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can DO wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot." ~Mark Twain
"The human race has only one really effective weapon, that's laughter. The moment it arises, all our hardnesses yield, our irritations and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place." ~Mark Twain
"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." ~Mark Twain
"The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read." ~Mark Twain
"The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten." ~Mark Twain on Diplomacy
"The real task of a friend is to assist you if you are wrong. Everyone is on your side when you're in the right". ~Mark Twain
"The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten." ~Mark Twain on Diplomacy
"The real task of a friend is to assist you if you are wrong. Everyone is on your side when you're in the right". ~Mark Twain
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started." ~Mark Twain
"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven." ~Mark Twain
"The secret to getting ahead is to get started." ~Mark Twain
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." ~Mark Twain
"The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession." ~Mark Twain
"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself." ~Mark Twain
"There has been only one Christian. They caught and crucified him early." ~Mark Twain
"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable." ~Mark Twain
"They are always on deck when there is a miracle to the fore-so as to get up in the picture, perhaps. Angels are as fond of that as a fire company; look at the old masters." ~Mark Twain
"To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with." ~Mark Twain
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness." ~Mark Twain
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you DIDN'T do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven." ~Mark Twain
"The secret to getting ahead is to get started." ~Mark Twain
"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." ~Mark Twain
"The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession." ~Mark Twain
"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself." ~Mark Twain
"There has been only one Christian. They caught and crucified him early." ~Mark Twain
"There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable." ~Mark Twain
"They are always on deck when there is a miracle to the fore-so as to get up in the picture, perhaps. Angels are as fond of that as a fire company; look at the old masters." ~Mark Twain
"To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with." ~Mark Twain
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness." ~Mark Twain
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you DIDN'T do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove. We have two opinions: one private, which we are afraid to express; and another one—the one we use—which we force ourselves to wear . . . until habit makes us comfortable in it, and the custom of defending it presently makes us love it, adore it, and forget how pitifully we came by it." ~Mark Twain (1885)
"We are strange beings. We seem to go free, but we go in chains - chains of training, custom, convention, association, environment - in a world, circumstance - and against these bonds the strongest of us struggle in vain." ~Mark Twain
"We build a fire in a powder magazine, then double the fire department to put it out. We inflame wild beasts with the smell of blood, and then innocently wonder at the wave of brutal appetite that sweeps the land as a consequence." ~Speech (Mark Twain )R
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." ~Mark Twain
"When I'm playful I use the meridians of longitude and parallels of latitude for a seine, and drag the Atlantic Ocean for whales. I scratch my head with the lightning and purr myself to sleep with the thunder." ~Mark Twain
“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.” ~Mark Twain
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." ~Mark Twain
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" ~Mark Twain
"Why is it that people rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the people involved." ~Mark Twain
"With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity." ~Mark Twain
"Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe." ~Mark Twain
"Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been." ~Mark Twain
"You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus" ~Mark Twain
"You can't reason with the heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns." ~Mark Twain
“You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.” ~Mark Twain
BIO
"Samuel Langhorne Clemens, known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, and lecturer. He was praised as the "greatest humorist the United States has produced", and William Faulkner called him "the father of American literature". His novels include The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and its sequel, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, the latter of which has often been called the "Great American Novel". Twain also wrote A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court and Pudd'nhead Wilson. Twain was raised in Hannibal, Missouri, which later provided the setting for Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. He served an apprenticeship with a printer and then worked as a typesetter, contributing articles to the newspaper of his older brother Orion Clemens. He later became a riverboat pilot on the Mississippi River before heading west to join Orion in Nevada."
Born: Samuel Langhorne Clemens, November 30, 1835, Florida, Missouri, U.S.
Died: April 21, 1910, Stormfield House, Redding, Connecticut, U.S.
Pen name: Mark Twain, Josh, Thomas Jefferson Snodgrass
Occupation: Writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, lecturer
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