"Genuine humour requires us to read the context of a situation, pick the right tone, and choose our pauses." ~Rob Kendall, Why We Laugh, and Why We Need To
“Humour comes from self-confidence. There's an aggressive element to wit.” ~Rita Mae Brown
"Humour is mankind's greatest blessing." ~Mark Twain
“Humour prevents a "hardening of the attitudes."" ~Joel Goodman
"People with a good sense of humour have a better sense of life." ~from the True Activist
~•✿•~ ~•✿•~
WISE COUNSELLOR
Click to Embiggen
~•✿•~ ~•✿•~
MEN HIT MEN. HATE MEN!
These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Insults then, had some class!
1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde
9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.
22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
【PS]
"I'm running out of humour" that I "Move in silence." I "Only speak when it's time to say, 'Checkmate'." ~Leah C. Dancel on Success Minded quote, February 9, 2022
🦋🦋🦋🦋
"Money is relative. The more money you have (or they think you have), the more relatives you have. Then comes the user-friendly ones, the relathieves." ~Jadj Dancel
Poet's Quip
"Marriage is an institution in which a Man loses his Bachelors degree, and the Woman gets her Masters." ~Farri Farid Khan, English Literary Birds
COVID 2020 PUNCH
By Ging Mathers
Yes we are not anymore in isolation, but most of these are still relatable 😁😁
🧹🧹🧹🧹🧹🧹
NO ONE CAN BEAT OZZIE HUMOUR
Repost from
Phil Russell
October 22, 2020
In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood Bye-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Australian Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang."
"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
"The Government beat me to it."
😸😸😸😸😸😸😸
Laugh Trip
"One lady's husband always went out every night, then came home drunk and passed out on the bed; and he would fall asleep and snore.
The lady couldn't sleep so she went to the doctor and asked for advice. The doctor said that she should tie some ribbon around his nose.
That very evening her husband came home drunk and passed out on the bed and began to snore.
The lady went to the cupboard and found a blue ribbon and tied it around his nose.
That night she slept peacefully and woke up all refreshed and happy.
When her husband got up and looked in the mirror, his wife asked, "where were you last night?"
The husband replied, "I don't know but I won 1st Prize!"
Source: From the scribbling paper drafted by my eldest. I don't know what year she wrote this. Maybe 2005-2006?
By Lily Dancel
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PERFECT GIFT
By Taff Beech
"There are 2 ways of learning, by instructions or by experience. You chose the route that you will never forget." ~Betty Peas
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood-moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
NOTE:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three-second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently, I had crapped in my shorts but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS:
My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Source: Aussie Humour
🐵🐵🐵🐵🐵🐵🐵
WAITING FOR YOU
An elderly couple 👵👴 entered a McDonald’s store 🍿 and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.
The old man walked over to the box and made the order for him. 🍔🍟🥛
He unwrapped the hamburger 🍔, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife 👵; very carefully, he counted all the fries 🍟 and did the same.
He dipped two straws into the soda 🥛 and put it between himself and his wife.
The old woman began to eat her half hamburger 🍔, people stared at her compassionately.
A young man 👨 approached them and politely offered to buy them another portion of food. 🍔🍟🥛
The old woman 👵 she replied that she did not bother, that they were used to sharing everything.
People realized that the old man 👴 had not eaten, he only watched 👀 as his wife ate, 👵 and from time to time, he drank a little soda. 🥛
Young 👨 approached again and repeated his offer.
This time it was the old man 👴 who explained that no, they were used to sharing everything.
The young man 👨 then asked the old man👴
And what are you waiting for then?
THE
TEETH!!!
Source: Women Over 60/FB
September 23, 2021
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
PROLOGUE
This poem is not imaginary. This is based on FACT that happened in the country where I live.
Panic buying had been circulated by rumour machines for some years in Down Under until one day it hit the ground and caught us by surprise in the real time. As lockdown ensued by the order from the authority, I heard all the shameful commotions goin on and for the first time, we became a laughing stock all over the world. But only for one reason caused by the "bloody" ass wiper. After almost one month being jailed in my own home, I finally went out to do my shopping when my victuals ran out. Lo and behold! The supermarkets were virtually empty!
👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻
THE (Controversial) MISSING TOILET PAPER
By Leah C. Dancel
Australians all went berserk
They got frantic over the covid scare
When strangers from overseas came to stay
They spilled the beans of this lethal viral spread.
Hence Big Brother felt in alarming scale
To hear the worldwide chaos soaked in fear;
Big Brother conceded it must close its bridge;
Cordoned the borders of sea, land and air.
When contained, they passed a stringent order
To set the whole land in a mass lockdown
Diverse reactions elicited abeyance.
Do or die it made someone's blood run cold.
Inside Noah's Ark panic had begun
Watching each other's step that wearied everyone
Prompted by social distancing on demand
Distrust trajected but subtly kept mum.
Food became scarce, and other essentials too.
Store shelves were left empty
From bread to pasta and toilet papers rolled away
Prices hit the roof in disbelief and awe.
Australians hit the world news with shame and sham
With people driving people up the wall
Over the head why for toilet rolls they slammed
They lost respect and made us small.
In the eyes of the universe who once esteemed us high
But now the missing toilet papers are back on sale.
Covid is still here, never on the mend as yet
Till death comes at the door who's target next.
©Leah C. Dancel
Copyright@July 27, 2021
All rights reserved
SH-Australia
Filipino Poets in Blossoms 🌸
Dex Amaroso's
"The Cover, Covert and Covid".
End of July 2021 Challenge
Guest Contributor
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LOL ... WHY???
By Anonymous
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
.............LOL
Source: FB via Estelle Cortes
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THE STIMULUS PACKAGE
In the outback town of Lingalonga things are tough, most people are out of work because of the virus and just about everyone is living on credit.
A government official is driving through town, stops at the hotel-motel and says he wants to inspect the rooms as he was planning to stay for the night. He put a $100 deposit on the counter and heads upstairs to check out the rooms.
As soon as he is out of sight, the motel-hotel owner grabs the $100 and runs next door to pay off his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmers takes the $100, runs across the street to pay off his feed bill with the local Co-op.
The manager of the Co-op takes the $100 runs down the back lane and pays off the local prostitute.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with motel owner.
The owner places the $100 back on the counter just as the government official returns and picks up the $100, telling the owner that none of the rooms were satisfactory and he would stay somewhere else.
Now, no one produced anything, no one earned anything, however the motel owner, the butcher, the farmer, the owner of the Co-op and the prostitute are now out of debt and looking forward to the future with a great more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "Stimulus Package" works.
Source: Lifted from FB, August 11, 2021
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I'm caught between Tokyo 2020 Olympics and Sona2021 and now this ...
Meanwhile in Down Under...
"Medical experts in Sydney today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.
Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off by the whole idea.
Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in politics..."
Lifted from my friend Ging Mathers
July 26, 2021
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Wishful Thinking Of A Golden Ager
By Mark Strayer
No nursing home for me.... I’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$5-worth of tips a day and you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today .
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . Or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grand-kids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?
So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
Source : FB
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RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.
Source: Irv Krick/FB, October 3, 2020
Shared by Sharon McKinney Longo via The Fabulous Fifties
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Foreword: Not long ago before I lifted this from my old timeline entry posted 3-years ago, my sister commented to one of my recent posts and cited a Bible verse: "God gives blessings both to the righteous and the unrighteous." ...Funny....She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Is GOD great or what!?!
Source: Dawn Benes, JOKE
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Admin's Note: I thought Fool's Day is only set aside for April ONE. I was caught in a trap to this one, reading with all seriousness. Covidity is still much around. 😉
"WAVING A FIRE ARM!"
I was down in Dee Why...and I drove to the SEVEN - ELEVEN (7-11) to get petrol and needed some toilet paper. Figured I would get my fuel first. As I drove up, I noticed two of NSW finest officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping petrol. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there!
But anyways, I minded my own business and went up to the cashier to say 'hey better hit the pump safety stop valve cause there's a woman smoking at the bowser.' As I was paying for my fuel, I heard someone screaming!! I’m talkin' serious violent death screams! I looked over and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!!
She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! When I rushed over there, the police had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the cop car.
I was thinking, arrested? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a cop car?? And being nosey as I am, I asked the police what they were arresting her for. He looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM”!
Now I want to know who actually read this to the end. Happy May 20! A little humour makes every day better! Be safe and wash your hands. Have a great day!
Source: Ron Hastings
May 20, 2020
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STRAYAN OPAL TRAIN HUMOUR
Opal Lady comes through train carriage checking people have a ticket or Opal card with enough money on it for the trip.
Comes to the fella sitting in front of me who gives her a bus ticket. Says (in very broken English, since it's one of at least two languages that he has a good grasp of) that he told the bus driver where he had to go and the bus driver gave him this ticket.
Opal Lady seems a bit stroppy and tells him that bus drivers can't give train tickets out, and he's riding without a valid ticket which is a $200 on the spot fine.
Dude looks blankly at her and is genuinely remorseful that he has broken the rules because he seems to legitimately be confused about the bus/train ticket situation.
Asshole pipes up from a few seats down and says, "Fine him Love, fucking foreigners".
And then says directly to the bloke, "Fuck off back to Iran mate". He's from Argentina.
Opal Lady's mood completely changes. She tells the man that it's cool, he obviously didn't understand, and prints him a pass that he can use for the rest of the day on NSW trains, and then she apologises to him for "the way that SOME Australians think it's OK to speak to people".
Smattering of applause around the carriage, and the redneck asshole sits down with the 'just ate shit on a sandwich' look on his face.
Considerably more applause about 10 minutes later when train arrives at the next station and Opal Lady re-appears with a few other officers and chucks the redneck asshole off the train.
"What's the charge?" he yells at her, to which she calmly and quietly responds, "Being a cunt".
Source: Nicholas John
April 11, 2017 ·
#Straya
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NOT SO HOLY UN-PONTIFFICAL CLOWN
"A rich American bought a First Class seat on a flight from New York to Rome. The Captain of the plane went to where he was seated and told him that the Pope would be sitting next to him.
Being a devout Catholic, the man was very excited. After the Pope sat down, the plane took off and after the Pope and the man exchanged some pleasantries.
The Pope then took out a book of crossword puzzles, and started solving it with his pencil.
After five minutes the Pope started tapping the crossword book with a frown on his face. Hoping to get more friendly to the Pope, the man asked if he could help solve the puzzle.
So the Pope asked him "Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
Source: FB/Rafael Alunan III
May 13, 2020
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THE WITTY PRESIDENT
The late Zimbabwe ex-President ROBERT MUGABE (1924-2019) will be remembered for his great wit and his colourful language.
1) "When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don’t take a goat as a friend."
2) "If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk around with X-ray machines to see inner beauty."
3) "When one’s goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour’s soup gets suspicious."
4) "Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow."
5) "Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on, rather than send it to your mom, and you realise witchcraft is real."
6) "If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first."
7) "Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end."
8) Interviewer: "Mr President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?"
Robert Mugabe: "Where are they going?"
9) "Racism will never end as long as white cars are still using black tires; If people still use black color for bad luck and white for peace; If people still wear white clothes to weddings and black clothes to funerals; As long as those who don’t pay their bills are blacklisted and not ‘whitelisted’… But I don’t care as long as I still use the white tissue paper to wipe my ass! With that only, I will always be very fine."
10) "No African girl will choose six pack over six cars.. So stop going to the gym and go to work! "
11) “How do you convince the upcoming generations that education is the key to success when we are surrounded by poor graduates and rich criminals?”
12) "lf Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would have been in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten thè snake."
13) "A person can love you and still cheat, just like we love God and still sin."
14) "It’s better to sit in a bar thinking about God than to sit in a church thinking about beer."
15) "Being kissed does not mean you are loved, ask Jesus about Judas."
Compiled by Andrew Harder
April 15, 2020
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MULE FOR SALE
A really nice Italian farmer had a girlfriend who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot. One day, when he was out ploughing, his girlfriend brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his girlfriend began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice she looked, or how pretty her dresses were, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.
SOURCE: Ron Hastings
February 23, 2020
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HELP YOURSELF. A laughter container is still empty.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student Christina was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, she wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then she was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, she wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
She got an A+.
Source: Ron Hastings
November 15, 2019
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THE OLD OUTHOUSE
…George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?
The boy answered, “yes”. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.
The dad replies, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
Source: FB/Anon
🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲🌲
A TEACHER'S MUSKY MISTAKE
"My musk stick story... I used to keep some in my pocket on my way to teaching my class. A little sugar burst before the chaos. One day I reached into my pocket and popped one into my mouth and it tasted disgusting. A malfunction at the musk stick factory methinks then I look in my hand and I had popped some chalk in my mouth by mistake!" ~Paul Byrne on that Pinky Musk Stick Lolly, FB, March 31, 2019
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GOODBYE MUM
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, “That's okay.”
She then said, “I know it's silly, but if you could call out ‘Goodbye, mum’ as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, mum.”
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $121.85,” said the assistant.
“How come so much? I only bought five items.”
The checkout lady replied, “Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too.”
Source: FB, 25 June 2015
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A ROYAL EXAMPLE
.... the Royals give us the perfect example to help us improve our vocabulary.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
“May I ask you a question, My Lord?”
"Go ahead, Carson,” said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word on which I am not too clear.”
“What word is that?” asked His Lordship.
“Aplomb,” My Lord.
“Now that’s a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure.”
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused.”
“Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?”
“I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them.”
“Also,” continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”
“I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.”
“While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself very deeply in his thumb.”
“I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”
“That evening the hole that the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender.”
“Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”
“And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will with a loud voice, ‘Darling, does your prick still throb?’
“And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?
“That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
Source: Your Life's Choice
16 July 2015
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When Laughter ... IS ALL WHAT YOU NEEDED
Chemist Hanzo, Astrophysicist Frost and an Electrical Engineer Saito had all been sentenced to death and were on death row waiting to go to the electric chair.
Finally, the day had come. Hanzo the chemist was due to go first.
As he strapped him in, the Jack Ketch asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”
Hanzo replied, “No, do what you have to do…” so the executioner flicked the switch but nothing happened. According to this State’s law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released. So Hanzo was unstrapped and allowed to walk free.
It was the Astrophysicist Frost’s turn next.
As he was being strapped in, the executioner asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”
Frost replied, “No, just get on with it” so the Jack Ketch flicked the switch, but once again nothing happened. So, just like the Chemist, the Astrophysicist was released.
Then the Electrical Engineer Saito was brought forward.
The executioner asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”
Saito replied, “Yes. If you swap the brown and the white wires over, you might just make this thing work.”
Source: FB via Ed Alvendia
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THE OUTBACK GUESSING GAME
A stockman named Bruce was overseeing his herd on the stock route in Western Queensland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bruce looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the stockman and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bruce. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bruce says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Senator from Canberra", says Bruce.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the stockman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
Source: Australia's Page/FB
February 13, 2018
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IT'S LIKE WORKING IN A ZOO
By Thomas Plummer
Had to toss a client out of gym once. He screamed, "Why are you doing this to me?" I said, "You are an animal, and not in the good way." Then I realized all clients are animals.
The Poodle Girls: They work out for an hour but love their little gym/doghouse so much they don't leave for several more hours. They need attention, constant petting, and would sit in your lap if they could get away with it. Often the best clients, they bake wonderful gooey cookies, refer new clients and they love their gym.
The Weiner Dogs: These are the old guys who wear the 1995, too short running shorts, and insist on sprawling on a bench doing presses, legs spread wide, with the five-pound dumb bells every day. Saw my first one in the 80s and have never been able to burn the image out of my head.
The Golden Retrievers: Throw the ball, they chase the ball, throw the ball, they chase the ball. Hey, how about another rep there Rufus? Throw the rep, throw the rep, pleeease throw the rep, please throw me the rep, just one more rep, yup, yup, yup.
The Beagle Boys: Howl at the moon all night and then still make the 6:00 a.m. workout every day. Pure energy, part puppy and full crazy. Turn up the music and howl big dogs, howl.
The Turtle People: They hate anything to do with jumping or being in the air. Ground animals by nature they are the plodders of the gym. Year-after-year they toil away and slowly evolve into the gazelles and lions of the gym. Do not, however, ever turn a turtle person upside down on the floor. He will still be there in the morning in the same spot.
The Beasties: Fitness is their life, Sundays are spent filling plastic bowls for the week, alcohol is chosen by carb value and tattoos are their art form. Handle with care. Beasties have been known to turn into fierce monsters if not fed regularly and if in the wrong situation, have been known to lecture random people at the mall for hours on the evils of bread.
The Chipmunks: No one actually has ever met a chipmunk. They skitter in, stand in the back of any group, smile if noticed but run for the shadows if anyone actually attempts to start a conversation. Known as our shyest clients, chipmunk people often stay for years, get into really good shape but no one can remember ever feeding or talking to one. We aren't really sure how the chipmunk person became a client, since no one remembers signing him up either.
Finally, there are the Lions and Gazelles: It is a little-known fact, but these animals invented the selfie. They stand in front of any mirror, gaze longingly at their own image and preen. They have even been known to huddle in small groups, comparing body parts and gently rubbing cream on bald heads.
We all find our inner animal in the gym, in fact that is what makes the gym the best part of the day, every day, for so many clients. But there are those days where we wander home late at night, pour a glass and sigh, damn, this job is liking working in a zoo… and you just might be right.
Source: FB
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MOUNTED AND FRAMED
A Repost
Rafael Alunan III
February 8, 2017
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied,
"Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed."
Source: FB
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ENGINEERED THERAPEUTIC LOVE
Grabbed from Benson Bautista
A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl.
Doctor used to give her a rose daily and Engineer used to give the girl an apple.
Girl got confused and asked engineer: There is a meaning of giving rose in Love. Why are you giving apple?
Engineer answered: Because "An apple a day keeps the doctor away".
Hello engineers
By Edward Ho
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SEEN-AGER
Grabbed from Yogi Alejo
If life begins at 40, so Teenager year begins at 60.
I JUST discovered my age group! I am a Seenager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 55-60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren't scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?
And I don't have acne.
Life is Good!
Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager:
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age; it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.
Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem; it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!!
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CONVERTED JEWISH
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity!" "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?!"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian! Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian! What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do..."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The voice said, "Funny you should ask, but I too sent my Son to Israel..."
Source: FB via Caloy Bueno, that Funny Guy also a Christian convert I supposed?
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DRINK FROM THE RIVER
During Sermon at a Mass, the Priest said:
"If I had all the Beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen! "
"And if I had all the Wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".
And the congregation cried: "Amen!"
"And if I had all the Whiskey and Rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river".
Again the congregation cried: "Amen!"...
The Priest sat down.
The Junior Priest then stood up and said: "For our closing Hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our Hymn books and sing, "We shall drink from the river".
The whole Congregation SCREAMED *HALLELUJAH!*
Source: Edward Ho, FB
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WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT!!
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started....
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So I took her to a petrol pump.
And then the fight started....
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My wife was standing and looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."
And then the fight started....
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."
So I took her to my parents' house.
And then the fight started....
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Dedicated to all married couples. But don't send to all
I sent it to my friend. He sent it to his wife and then the fight started.
Repost via Antonio P. Contreras
Source: FB
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THE CHEAPEST PORSCHE ON EARTH
A 15-year-old drives home in a Porsche, parents ask him how he could afford it and the response is hilarious:
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
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NEVER LIE TO A SMART WOMAN
Women are highly sharp-minded and have a strong intuition men cannot understand. Therefore, our advice for all men on Earth is NOT to lie to a woman, ever, as women always find a way to find out the truth.
The following story shows how a man learned this on the hard way:
One day, the husband called his wife, and asked:
“Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod and fishing box. We’re leaving from office and I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!”
His wife immediately noticed that something was not right with the lousy excuse her husband managed to invent for the next week, but she decided to be a good wife and do what she was asked to.
After a week, her husband returned home, and looked tired, but explained to her that he was happy that he has done a good job by attending the fishing party.
The woman wanted to know all in details, and asked about the boss, the weekend, the other colleagues, if they had caught fish, and so on. Her husband answered: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?”
The woman replied: “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”.
Source: FB
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A KILLER
A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!"
The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"
Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should I do it?"
Thanks Kimmie John for this Laughing Matters
Source: FB, Comment
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SUNDAY BREAK
By Rafael Alunan III
When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets
P N E I S and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are my friends ...
Source: FB, June 4, 2017
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NEVER OUTSMART AN OLD DUDE
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know anything about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get an easy $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic
This is what happened.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Aagh! This is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and leaves in a haste. He’s angry now, and spends the next few days trying to figure out a way to recover his money. He returns to Dr. Geezer’s office once he thinks of a clever plan…
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh no you don’t. That is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, after having lost $1000 total, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so… Here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer “
SHARE this hilarious joke if you laughed written by Jake Manning, July 26, 2016
Source: Shareably dot net
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Getting Older
By Bob Pacey
Well I must be getting older
And I don't know who to blame
All the words now have new meanings
Though they still sound just the same.
And I was so good at English
Now I get the words all wrong
cause when I put them in a sentence
it’s just like they don't belong.
Like, when a bloke was really happy
it used to be ok to say “He's gay”
a “Rap” was how you hit a door
And Hi! just meant gidday.
“Grass” was grown upon your lawn
We used a "Pot" to cook a stew
A “Score” was what your team made
And a "Dope" meant silly you
A “Dyke” that was just a little dam
A “Poof” a puff of smoke
and “Bread” was flour and water
Now if you've got none well your broke
And “Cactus” was a prickly plant
But now it means you’re dead
a “Joint” was an old run down shack
A place to rest your weary head.
“Acid” was something we used
in Chemistry at school
and winter was the only time
that we could say we’re “Cool”.
A “Trip” meant falling over
when we tangled up our feet
And lollies were the only thing
that we could say were “Sweet”.
A “Camp” was just a little tent
set up out in the scrub.
We only “Stuffed” our chickens
and food was our only “Grub”.
If someone had a bit of luck
we’d say that's really slick
now when something’s great mate
well they say it’s “fully sick”.
And we put “ice” into our eskies
just to cool our beer and rum
and the only "Smack" I ever got
was on me bloody bum.
People stopped you in the street
to talk about the weather
now when you ask a question
the kids simply say “Whatever”.
Well I’ve tried to understand it
It's progress I've been told
But I really have to face it mate
Gees I must be getting old.
Source: Over60
(Bob Pacey, 65, is the Rockhampton region’s best-known bush poet. )
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15 Things It Took Me 60 Years to Learn
Pearls of wisdom from Dave Barry:
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.“
3. There is a very fine line between ”hobby" and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age.
11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
12. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. Never fails.)
13. Your friends love you anyway.
14. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
15. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp on them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Source: Brightside Dot Me
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A POLITICIAN and A CHILD
"Sometimes children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.
Like this little girl, for instance, who knew how to make a point to a politician she met on an airplane.
While on a flight, a congressman was seated next to a little girl who was quietly reading her book.
The congressman turned to the little girl and asked, "Do you want to chat? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger."
The little girl put her book down on her lap and said, "What do you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman.
"How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" he continued, smiling smugly.
"Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first," she started.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff — grass.
Yet a deer poops little pellets, while a cow makes a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.
Why do you think that is?" She asked.
The congressman, surprised by the question and the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmm, I have no idea!"
The little girl picked up her book and opens it to the page she left off at.
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy when you don't know shit, sir?" She asked and went back to reading her book."
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LIFE AS IT IS
What is "GENERATION GAP"?
Father used to walk 20 Minutes to save $20.
Son spends $20 to save 20 Minutes.
(Surprisingly both are correct...!!!)
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Sense of Responsibility...
A man goes to library and asks for a book on Suicide.........
Librarian looks at him and says: "hello.. who will return the book ????"
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GRANDFATHER TO GRANDSON:
Go hide! Your teacher is coming as you bunked school today!
GRANDSON: YOU go hide.. I told her YOU PASSED AWAY!!
*************************************
Sister to brother: What are you going to give grandma on her birthday?
Brother: A football
Sister: But grandma does not play!
Brother: So what? On my birthday she gave me a Bible.
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A woman went shopping. At cash counter she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He couldn't control his
curiosity and asked "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany
me for shopping today.. ..............
Moral : Accompany your wife....
The story continues....
The shopkeeper laughed and took back all the items that the lady had
purchased. Shocked at this act, she asked the shopkeeper what was he
doing. He said, "your husband has blocked your credit card" ........
MORAL : Respect the hobbies of your husband.
Wait wait, story is not over yet. It continues....
Wife calmly took out her husband's credit card from purse and used
it to pay her purchases. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.
MORAL: Don't underestimate the mind of a WIFE !!!!!!
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DRINKING TEA the IRISH WAY
“In Ireland, you go to someone's house, and she asks you if you want a cup of tea. You say no, thank you, you're really just fine. She asks if you're sure. You say of course you're sure, really, you don't need a thing. Except they pronounce it ting. You don't need a ting. Well, she says then, I was going to get myself some anyway, so it would be no trouble. Ah, you say, well, if you were going to get yourself some, I wouldn't mind a spot of tea, at that, so long as it's no trouble and I can give you a hand in the kitchen. Then you go through the whole thing all over again until you both end up in the kitchen drinking tea and chatting.
In America, someone asks you if you want a cup of tea, you say no, and then you don't get any damned tea.
I liked the Irish way better.”
~C.E. Murphy, Urban Shaman
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From 10 THINGS YOU DON'T NEED FOR BABY
"4. Shoes for your newborn. Newsflash, babies can’t walk. Plus, if you stare really hard at your baby’s feet you can literally see them growing, kind of like how if you stare really hard at a clock without blinking you can see the minute hand moving. So basically putting a newborn’s growing feet in shoes is akin to Chinese foot binding. Yes, I know those two-inch Air Jordans are like the cutest things in the whole wide world but maybe I forgot to mention, BABIES CAN’T WALK much less dunk a basketball, except maybe those roller-skating Evian babies." ~Karen Alpert
"7. A baby bathtub. Guess what, your house already came with one. WHAT?! The realtor didn’t tell you?!! Hello brainiac, it’s called a sink. But wait, my sink doesn’t look like a cute whale or a duck! No, it doesn’t. But it also doesn’t cost an extra $30. Or come in a weird ass shape that doesn’t fit in any logical place in your bathroom. And guess what, your kiddo’s not thinking, “It’s not fair, Javier down the street has a bathtub that looks like a turtle and I don’t.” All he’s thinking is, “Aggghhh, who the hell is pouring goddamn water on my head?! I’m gonna scream as loud as humanly possible until they stop!” ~Karen Alpert
~•✿•~ ~•✿•~
BURNT MARSHMALLOW
“I literally could not feel more cozy right now if I were actually inside a marshmallow” ~Alice Clayton, Wallbanger
“Life is a bonfire where everyone else has brought marshmallows, and you—a stick.” ~Richelle E. Goodrich
“Too bad we don't have marshmallows. This is an amazing fire." Howard emerged through the smoke behind Edilio.” ~Michael Grant, Lies
“Women eat ice-cream, men toast marshmallows.” ~Dianna Hardy, Cry Of The Wolf
“A burial should be more than a fire pit, arena seating, and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There should also be marshmallows.” ~Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops
“I know how to handle a sword, a gun, and a kangaroo pouch stuffed with marshmallows. You should fear me.” ~Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You
“Never spontaneously combust alone, or without a bag of marshmallows nearby.” ~Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title
“You can burn down the building, and I won’t interfere or criticize. I’ll just say, “Hey, man, I hope you brought marshmallows.” ~Jarod Kintz, Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You
“Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something.” ~J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
“There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.” ~David Sedaris, Naked
“She felt dirty, ugly and tired. She felt like a marshmallow heading into a house fire armed with chocolate and graham crackers.” ~Benjamin R. Smith, Atlas
~•✿•~ ~•✿•~
Toothpaste Tube
"...and Self-interest is squeezing Integrity out on the rail! or is that Toothpaste? Integrity falls to the rear." ~Vanilla from Bob Warr 'n Pcket Fences
~•✿•~ ~•✿•~
OVER THE FIELD AND ALONG THE LANE
Over the field and along the lane
Gentle Alice would love to stray.
When it came to the end of the day,
She would wander away,
Unheeding.
Dreaming her innocent dreams she strode,
Quite unaffected by heat or cold,
Frequently freckled or soaked with rain,
Alice was out in the lane.
Who she met there
Every day
Was a question
Answered by none,
But she'd get there,
And she'd stay there,
'Til whatever she did
Was undoubtedly done.
Over the field and along the lane
Both her parents would call in vain,
Sadly, sorrowfully, they'd complain,
'Alice is at it again.'
Although that dear little village,
Surrounded by trees,
Had neither a school, nor a college,
Gentle Alice acquired
From the birds and the bees,
Some exceedingly practical knowledge.
The curious secrets that nature revealed,
She refused to allow to upset her,
But she thought,
When observing the beasts of the field,
That things might have been organised better.
Over the field and along the lane,
Gentle Alice would make up
And take up
Her stand.
The road was not exactly arterial,
But it led to a town nearby,
Where quite a lot of masculine material
Caught her rolling eye.
She was ready to hitchhike,
Cadillac or motorbike,
She wasn't proud or choosy.
All she
Was aiming to be
Was a pinked-up,
Minked-up,
Fly-by-night floozy.
When old Rogers
Gave her pearls as large as
Nuts on a chestnut tree,
All she'd say was
'Fiddle-di-dee!
The wages of sin will be the death of me!'
Over the field and along the lane,
Gentle Alice's parents
Would wait,
Hand in hand.
Her dear old white-headed mother,
Wistfully sipping champagne,
Said 'We've spoiled our child,
Spared the rod.
Open up the caviar and say "Thank God!"
We've got no cause to complain!
Alice is at it again!'
Source: Everyman's Library
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TRAVEL hint from Kiplinger Magazine:
"A tip for those going abroad: in an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water.
"In a developed country, don't breathe the air."
And closer to home, if you want to swim at Bondi, check the newspapers first.
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ICE BREAKER
"Hello always seems to be a good way to start, but then if one has laryngitis a nod is as good as a wink they say, always works on a blind horse." ~a certain The Flying doctor (Your Life's Choices, 30 July 2014)
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Caroline's POEM
Caroline has shared her poem on the frustrations of ageing. Both funny and poignant, why not read it for yourself?
"Those 80 years had passed in a flash,
A wife and mother, filled with haste, worry and dash.
Rearing three children has kept Maria busy,
Through it all she had never wanted to leave the city.
But here she was now, being coaxed away.
She had been politely told she is getting too old to stay.
The stairs had gotten tricky, there is no doubt,
But if she got stuck she could give the neighbours a shout.
“You are getting frail mum” her daughter had said.
“Come live with us, you can bring your tired, saggy bed”.
It had been nice to visit her daughter in the country
But it was life in the city that made her feel free.
Wandering through markets, sipping latte in plazas,
Time did not matter, she was her own master.
Do as she wanted, stay out all day if she wished
No-one to answer to, she liked not being missed
Insignificant, unimportant, a drop in the ocean,
To melt in the crowd and feel the urban commotion.
It made her feel young, really alive
In the country she would simply survive.
There she would be monitored, watched and advised.
Every fall, trip or mistake scrupulously analysed.
Always talking of age they wanted her to admit
That she now needed looking after.
What a crock of shit."
Source: Your Life Choices
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WHY BARTENDERS BEAT PSYCHOLOGISTS
Ever since Tom was a child he had always had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a psychologist and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under my bed! I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year”, said the psychologist. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?” asked Tom
“Eighty dollars per visit”, replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it”, Tom said.
Six months later Tom ran into the psychologist on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked Tom.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.” Replied Tom.
“Is that so? The psychologist replied with a bit of an attitude, “and how, may I ask, did bartender cure you?”
Tom answered “He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
Source: YOUR LIFE CHOICES
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JUST IMPASSE
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Michael Yon
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
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A Plane Story
by Rebecca Rose (teagurl)
A few years ago I was on a flight from Chicago back home. I sat on the aisle of a 3 seat row and next to me were two women in their 70s. You could tell they'd known each other forever and were the kind of women I think of as Broads. Ballsy ladies that had madcap adventures in old movies.
I normally try sleeping on a flight but these women were too interesting. First, during takeoff, something rolled back on the plane.
"OH! Something hit my foot."
"What is it, what is it?"
"It's a camera, it probably fell out of somebody's bag. I should get one of those stewardesses over here."
"Wait a minute, let's see what kind of pictures are on it."
They huddled together conspiratorially and thus began some of the best Old Broad commentary I've ever heard.
"I think they're in Hawaii, does this look like Hawaii to you?"
"How should I know? I've never been to Hawaii."
"He look like such a nice young man, what a good couple they make, taking so many pictures together."
"I don't know, she looks kind of trampy. You don't think she looks trampy? THERE! Look at that bathing suit. What decent girl would wear that?"
"I remember you wearing suits like that."
"That's how I know."
For 20 minutes, they're sitting there tittering over the photos.
"Look at her in that dress, oh isn't she lovely, and look at him in sneakers. You'd think he'd clean up in at least one of these pictures."
"She's too good for him, getting dressed up like that. I hope they're not married, she can do better."
"He does look like fun though, doesn't he?"
"Well she didn't wear those suits to be bored!"
I got up to use the restroom and when I came back they were talking about the fun vacations they'd had during their lives. The flight attendant came around with drinks and they handed over the camera. An hour or so later, just before landing, the flight attendant came back and told them the camera's owners had been found and thanked them for returning it. After she left, one broad turned to the other and said, "they probably haven't found the pictures we took yet."
"Oh they won't mind, it's not like we put on our bathing suits for them."
Then they laughed for 5 minutes straight.
I regret using the restroom, I will never know what kinds of pictures they took!
Source: Jezebel (Watch Two 100-Year-Old BFFs Discuss Twerking, Selfies, Bieber and More) via FB
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NEIGHBOUR's HELP
An 80-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, Which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried With my left hand, but still nothing.”
“Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.”
“We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing…..”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
Source: Starts At Sixty
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THE WISE OLD ROOSTER
A farmer buys new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and tells him, “OK old fart, it’s time for you to retire.”
The old rooster replies, “I’m not ready to retire. But, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins will be the stud for the entire chicken coop.”
The young rooster laughs and responds, “You don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. As they come around the farmhouse the young rooster has closed the gap and is gaining on the old rooster.
The farmer is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch. When he sees the roosters he grabs his shotgun and – BOOM – he blows the young rooster away. The farmer shakes his head and says, “Damn… That’s the third gay rooster I bought this month.”
The moral of this story? Don’t mess with old farts. Age, skill, and treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
Source: FB
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Quote for Today
“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.” ~Mark Russell
Tony’s Broadband
In preparation for Tony’s new, not-so-fast broadband, enjoy this list of rural Australian computer terminology in this week’s Friday Funnies.
Log-on: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter
Log off: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
Monitor: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
Download: Getting the firewood off the ute.
Hard drive: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
Keyboard: Where you hang the ute keys.
Window: What you shut when the weather's cold.
Screen: What you shut in the mozzie season.
Byte: What mozzies do.
Megabyte: What Townsville mozzies do.
Chip: A pub snack.
Microchip: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
Modem: What you did to the lawns.
Laptop: Where the cat sleeps.
Software: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.
Hardware: Stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart.
Mouse: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
Mainframe: What holds the shed up.
Web: What spiders make.
Website: Usually in the shed or under the verandah
Search engine: What you do when the ute won't go.
Cursor: What you say when the ute won't go.
Yahoo: What you say when the ute does go.
Upgrade: A steep hill.
Server: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
Mail server: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
User: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
Network: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
Internet: Where you want the fish to go.
Netscape: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.
Online: Where you hang the washing.
Offline: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
by Rachel Tyler Jones
Source: Your Life's Choices
Quote:
“Nobody deserves to have their personal life pried into like I did and no one deserves to hear me whine about it so much.” ~Kurt Cobain
"Teaching: the only profession where you steal supplies from home and bring them to work." ~Can't Scare a Teacher, FB
Dental Fillings
Patient: Please be nice to me today Mr Dentist, sir man! (Feeling scared).
Sister: What's he going to do?
Patient: He's going to make me suffer heinous pain. And by that I mean he's going to mouth rape me... And by that I mean I'm getting cavities filled.
Friend: You know those evil dentists! They put tracking devices and listening bugs in with the fillings and then they can control you! I know all the conspiracy theories! I am NOT paranoid!
Source: FB (with LD, NAF and NG) - 8th July 2013
What Animal?
"Mum asked what animal was 'ham'. There was a disagreement over this. Uncle S thought ham meant pig, but Aunty thought pigs were called pork." ~Ruchi Lamba, Indian Link (June 2013)
UNATTENDED
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000".
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and ask: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Julie Andrews Turning 79 - this is hysterical!
To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.)
Sent by Nong Joeboy with thanks.
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ .."HEBREWS"
"God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece." ~Anon
Quotes:
"Being asked whether it was better to marry or not, Socrates replied, 'Whichever you do you will repent it.'" ~Diogenes Laertius
"Don't be sad if a person prefers another person over you because you can't convince a monkey that honey is sweeter than a banana." ~Anon
"Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny." ~Kathryn Carpenter
"Heaven goes by favour; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." ~Mark Twain
"I met money one day and said, "You're just a piece of paper." Money smiled and said, "Of course, I'm a piece of paper, but I haven't seen a dustbin yet, in my life." ~Anon
"If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?" ~Stanislaw J. Lec
"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor." ~Phyllis Diller
"No person who can read is ever successful at cleaning out an attic." ~Ann Landers
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." ~Anon
"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid." ~Anon
"When the going gets weird, the weird turns pro." - Hunter S. Thompson
MY WIFE IS ON THE INTERNET
My wife is on the INTERNET
It seems to give her pleasure
She reads each message carefully
As if it were a treasure.
My wife is on the INTERNET
I'm not sure where it's going
She now has lots of cyber-friends
To chat with about sewing.
My wife is on the INTERNET
Where has my dinner gone?
Meals always seem to be delayed
Whenever she's logged on.
My wife is on the INTERNET
Our love life's fallen off
Should I post a love note
On the bulletin board at Pfaff?
My wife is on the INTERNET
The laundry's never clean.
Is there such a thing as
A web site washing machine?
My wife is on the INTERNET
The house is such a mess.
But in order to put my foot down
I need her email address.
My wife is on the INTERNET
What am I going to do?
It seems that lately
That's my favourite issue!
Source: The Country Web Newsletter
My wife is on the INTERNET
It seems to give her pleasure
She reads each message carefully
As if it were a treasure.
My wife is on the INTERNET
I'm not sure where it's going
She now has lots of cyber-friends
To chat with about sewing.
My wife is on the INTERNET
Where has my dinner gone?
Meals always seem to be delayed
Whenever she's logged on.
My wife is on the INTERNET
Our love life's fallen off
Should I post a love note
On the bulletin board at Pfaff?
My wife is on the INTERNET
The laundry's never clean.
Is there such a thing as
A web site washing machine?
My wife is on the INTERNET
The house is such a mess.
But in order to put my foot down
I need her email address.
My wife is on the INTERNET
What am I going to do?
It seems that lately
That's my favourite issue!
Source: The Country Web Newsletter
"Above all else, go with a sense of humor. It is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lip is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life." ~Anon
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I'd really like for them to know about hand-me-down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand-new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.
And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you--tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life. Paul Harvey
Different Ways of Looking at Things:
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she made it, she's there.'
Getting Divorced
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
Weekend Laughs
God granted him two wishes:
He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever.
Next moment he got mineral water and Mother Teresa.
There are 3 kinds of men in this world:
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened!
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
Why do women live a Better, Longer and Peaceful Life, as compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married"
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE
Dear Mother-in-law,
Don't teach me how to handle my children.
I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!
Your Daughter-in-law
I WILL THINK ABOUT IT:
When a married man says, I'll think about it - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
TALKING IN SLEEP:
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!
Sent by JBY
Tea for two
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!”. My Mum waited and, sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. My mum watches him drink it up, and then she says (as only a mother would know):
"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Gardening from afar
An elderly Italian lived alone in Carlton.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop
Don’t dig up the garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie.
A really bad pun
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie’.
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down-payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unbeknownst to Artie, the proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!’
Source: Your Life Choices
"Once in a tiny village, a little girl was sent on an errand to buy a toilet roll. The next day, she went back to return the same item. The shop owner asked if it was the wrong brand. "No", came the reply. "Our visitor did not come." (Source: an old book wall decor display at the Liverpool Public Library)
Why I will NOT Remarry
High School Reunion
Syd was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, Syd and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. Syd was throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, Syd picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the Syd. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say "Yes" or did she say "No?"
Syd couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
Syd remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
Gained a little more courage Syd then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say "Yes" or did you say "No?"
"Why you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."
Syd was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"
Sent by Carolyn Whitaker, FB
Hot Blonde
After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old Woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
I shut up and took out the trash...
Source: FB Fun Zone
The Magician and the Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it’s not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were onboard.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then two days...and then three days.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said......
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
Confucius didn’t say…
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car get tired.
Man who runs behind car get exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determine who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who keep feet firmly on floor have trouble putting on pants.
Finally Confucius also didn’t say…
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
A Congressman
It just hit me! My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ..........
My dog is a CONGRESSMAN !!!!
The Rules
The Female always makes THE RULES
THE RULES are subject to change without notice
No Male can possibly know all THE RULES
If the Female suspects the MALE knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES
The Female is never wrong
If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding cause by something the Male did or said wrong
If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding
The Female can change her mind at any time
The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Femail wants him to be angry or upset
The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times
Source: Laughter Australia
(With Permission from Peter)
Laundry Setting
"One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt? He yelled back, "University of Texas." ~Unknown
Source: Inspiration Line
Nutty Boy
An angry customer once phoned her grocer, "I sent my son for three pounds of nuts. You gave him only two pounds. Are you sure your scales are accurate?"
The grocer promptly replied, "Madam - my scales are accurate. Have you tried weighing your little boy?"
Source: The Friendship Book of Francis Gay 1980
Birthday Gift Message
Six-year old Kenneth gave Granny a Bible for her birthday. He had chosen it himself, and he wanted to write a message inside the front cover. He knew that was the thing to do. His father had recently been given a book by a friend, and there on the fly-leaf he found what he was looking for.
Kenneth wasn't really sure what it meant, but he copied it very carefully into Granny's Bible, and showed it to nobody at all.
That was why, when Granny opened the Bible, she was surprised to read, "With compliments and best wishes of the author."
Source: The Friendship Book of Francis Gay 1980
Never argue with a woman
A woman who reads can probably also think, as this parks and recreation warden finds out in the Friday Funnies.
One morning, a husband returns the boat to his lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake his wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a parks and recreation warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, ‘Isn't that obvious?’
“You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.”
“Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven't even touched you,” says the Game Warden.
“That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day,” and he left.
Moral: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Beer, fishing, golf and sex
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
Salesman and the Traffic Warden
An exasperated salesman abandoned his car in a "No Parking" area and left a note, "I've circled this block twenty times. I have an appointment and must keep it or lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
He returned to find a ticket under his wiper blade with another note appended by the traffic warden: "I've circled this block twenty years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.
Source: The Friendship Book of Francis Gay 1980
Need of Advice
A man in need of advice opened his Bible and put his finger by chance on the text, "And Judas went and hanged himself." He shut the Bible and tried again. This time he hit upon the words, "Go and do thou likewise." Hoping for something better, he tried a third time, and found, "What thou doest, do quickly."
Source: The Friendship Book of Francis Gay 1980
Chinese Customs
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'
'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'
'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit'
Jigsaw Puzzle
John gets a distressed phone call from his very blonde girlfriend Jill.
"I've got a problem," says Jill.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Jill.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Jill leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Jill, put the cornflakes back in the box."
The Boss
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Source: Life's Choices
A Loving Husband
"The other day I was trying my hand at making fudge, not very successfully. Seeing the gooey, runny stuff in the pan, and my disappointment, Hubby said, 'Never mind, love-we'll eat it, even if we have to DRINK it!'" - Mary Cook of Warwick (1983)
Material Sourced from The Friendship Book of Francis Gay
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how he determines whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
I marked the spot
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
Mental Hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
Source: Forward
Gleaned from Rene Alfarero , a former townmate from Baroy!
Repost
THE PHILOSOPHY OF SCIENCE AND GOD
(To the Smart Alecs)
An atheist professor of Philosophy was speaking to his class on the problem Science has with GOD. He asked one of his new Christian Students to stand and...
Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD good ?
Student : Sure.
professor: Is GOD all powerful ?
Student : Yes.
Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?
(Student was silent.)
Professor: You can't answer, can you ? Let's start again, young fella. Is GOD good?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Is Satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor: Where does Satan come from ?
Student : From . . . GOD . . .
Professor: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn't it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student : Yes.
Professor: So who created evil ?
(Student did not answer.)
Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who created them ?
(Student had no answer.)
Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?
Student : No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
Student : No , sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?
Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.
Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.
(Long silence..)
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student : No, sir. There isn't.
(The lecture theatre became very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)
Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it is, were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.
Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)
Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?
(The class was in uproar.)
Student : Now, is there anyone here in this class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?
(The class broke out into laughter. )
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Professor: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir . . . Exactly! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.
P.S.
I believe you have enjoyed the conversation. And if so, you'll probably want your friends/colleagues to enjoy the same, won't you?
Forward this to increase their knowledge . . . or FAITH.
By the way, that student was Albert Einstein.
Source: Facebook<
